Be(longing): A Series of Learnings from Therapy

In February 2020, I started actively and consistently going to therapy again.

I’d been thinking about therapy, and how I needed to return to it, for a long time. The last time I’d been consistent with therapy was in my last two years of college, when I needed help leaving a toxic relationship. When I eventually got out of the relationship, I stopped therapy altogether. The “problem” had been “solved” and I’d made it through to the other side. Wasn’t that what I’d come to therapy for?

In New York City — where I landed my first job after college — I felt rejuvenated. Although I’d never addressed or processed the trauma of my past relationship, I felt that I could handle the remainder of the healing process on my own. Even when things became challenging — work increased to 80-hour weeks; I started speaking to my ex again; I felt confused about what I wanted to do as a career — I figured that I’d find a way to manage.

Later, when I began to realize that I did, in fact, need help, the grueling process of searching for a therapist kept me from committing to sessions. One therapist I found didn’t take my insurance and I couldn’t afford the weekly expense ($125). Then, I quit my marketing job and didn’t have health insurance at all. There always seemed to be a series of barrages in the way, so eventually, I stopped looking. It was easier to lean-in to the magic of New York City and believe that time would heal all things.

In Atlanta, nearly 5 years later, I found myself sitting in my new therapist’s office, sobbing. My “presenting problem” was that I felt lost. I’d recently engaged in cruel and hurtful behavior and couldn’t explain why. I felt purposeless and as though my entire sense of self had disappeared. I wasn’t sure what I needed, but I knew that my present situation wasn’t it. My therapist paused for a moment, and then clearly and directly told me the truth of the matter: Until you look within and meet your own needs, the tension won’t end. If you’re not responsible for your needs, then you’re giving to others from an empty place. It sounds like there is an element of fear blocking you from advocating for your needs. What are you protecting yourself from?

Well, shit.

As I continued attending therapy, I realized that it’s a process and there’s rarely and hard and fast “solution” or ending. What my therapist stated so clearly — that there’s an element of fear in truly and fully pursuing my heart’s needs and desires — didn’t begin with my present self. It began in childhood; it continued through young adulthood; it was informed by my many and various experiences. I never worked through the traumatic events of my life; I just replaced those feelings with the excitement of new places, people, and things. But those unsolved traumas and dissolution didn’t disappear, and they’ll continue to cause dissatisfaction & tension within until they are addressed.

Which leads us here — to this series: Be(Longing). As I continue to work through identifying my needs, and learning to feel worthy enough to fully pursue them, I want to document some of my learnings here. No, it won’t be a tell-all, or spilling of secrets and vulnerabilities, but it will be a collection of writings that ruminate on some of the deeper lessons I’m learning. I want to be able to look back on these years of immense growth and track how I processed and moved through them. And, of course, I want to offer these learnings to you, too, in the hopes that, maybe, they’ll spark something within you or help with your own healing process.

Of course, my comments are always open for your thoughts & discussion. Until later, xx